The struggle.

Spirit Lead me where my trust is without Borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,  and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savoir." -Hillsong

When I was a young christian I remember praying for the Lord to increase my faith and draw me to a place of complete trust in Him. It's funny what we pray for in total naivety. Faith is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Proof being the key word. Asking for more faith means existing in a place of hope without any logical or reasonable reasons to do so. The entirety of my twenties was a season of complete faith. It was and hopefully will be the hardest decade of my life. I held on to covenant promises and the word of God being bigger than me or my failing marriage. I hoped beyond reasonable reason for the redemption of a completely lost relationship prone to sin and destruction. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12. I was heart sick after my divorce. Needless to say I quit praying for faith without borders, really I quit praying at all. I would try but the thought of hope hurt. Then a few years later and through lots of counseling I met Adam. What an instrument of healing he is in my life. I was sure that there were places in my heart that would just be shut down for good, but as usual I was wrong. I am still amazed at how much God has loved me back to a place of joy and health. I even started praying and reading my Bible again. I never really stopped believing in God or the Bible I just was too beat down to put any energy out. I was in desperate need of a one way unconditional love. Thank goodness that He comes to save the sick. The last two years I have been amazed by the lack of tears in my life and the amount of fun I have been having. Being in love is wonderful. Having a teammate in your spouse is a gift of endless value. About a year ago we decided to try and have a family. I thought for sure I would never get to dream that big or hope for such a wonderful blessing. I felt like the endless winter in my life was over. Well when Adam and I found out that we weren't likely to conceive naturally I felt myself doubting that God wanted joy for me at all. I'm still amazed at my lack of faith in these moments, especially with how much the Lord has shown up for me in my life. I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness and I relate to their hearts that are prone to leave the God they love. I tend to go into self protection mode first and usually that means trying to find answers and comfort on my own. This last week has been no different. I have been an emotional wreck about this baby making process. I feel trapped inside about it, because it feels silly to care so much. I feel ungrateful and at times ridiculous for not having a better perspective. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and my husband and our struggle to have kids. I called friends to help encourage me and even talked to my hubby a bit but nothing really touched the deep ache that just lingers inside. I decided to try and listen to some worship music, because sometimes the Bible just doesn't speak directly to me. What I love about worship music is it's ability to change our hearts perspective from earthly things to the heavenly things. I just went to youtube and searched Hillsong and this song came on....

 

I knew then that this was a new season in my life of faith. It's painful to continue in hope, but it is so necessary. There are so many things on this planet that are evil and depraved and it's hard to keep faith that God exists or that He is in control. What a great lesson the Lord is giving me to prepare me for parenthood or just life in general. So much is out of our control, if not everything. I think over and over again God is calling us out of the boat (like he did Peter) and asking us to trust Him. The waves are crashing and our reasonable minds know we can't walk on water, but Faith can carry us places we can't even to begin to imagine. I think although my heart aches I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in my belief. I'm thankful that God meats us where we are if we just turn to Him. I'm thankful for my friends that pray and believe for me when I can't. So child or no child I'm encouraged at the constant love of God. I'm excited that He still calls me out upon the water.

His love never fails. (I knew what I was taking about when I chose that as my senior quote in highschool. just took me a decade to realize it.)

I got to hike Squaw-peak mountain today, which is one of my favorite things in the world to do. I have had about a two year hiatus from hiking or working out of any kind due to some severe sciatic pain in my left leg. I cannot even tell you the tears I have cried out to God over the loss of my most favorite hobby. I love exercise. It's just healing in so many ways. Living without it has really allowed me to appreciate it even more. The thing I love most about the mountain isn't the sweat or the calories burned but the time alone in my head. Almost every other situation in life I have about 8 million thoughts traveling at light speed all at the same time. It's exhausting. But when I hike and I have my headphones in something magical happens. God just feels present and the answers to life feel simple. Today was no different; I was overwhelmed with gratitude over so many different things. I have now hiked twice in a week with no residual leg pain which is probably one of my top ten greatest mercies of God I have experienced. Also, I am happy. Happy sounds to cliche', I guess I'm full of joy. Life is really good. Not just today or lately but as a whole. I look back even a couple of years and thinks how hard everything seemed and never ending. Narnia's endless winter felt real to me. I remember this blog being cathartic and feeling necessary for hope. I was writing to God, to the world that I was just barely hanging on, but yet still keeping faith that God was listening and going to show up in my life. What today's clear head gifted me felt so special.  God has been with me all along weaving this perfect tapestry of my life. I'm not angry or sad about any of it. I'm overwhelmed with His complete and perfect grace. I celebrated my youngest sister Grace's baby's first birthday this weekend. It feels like my family has finally come in to a place of comfort. For so much of my childhood and life as an adult I just sensed chaos or an underlying discomfort but now my siblings and my mom all seem to know who they are and I enjoy them. We love each other and each others children. It felt warm and fuzzy like I had always imagined families should feel. I also feel safe in my own skin. A lot of that has to do with the incredible love I get from my husband. He is a soft place to fall and he loves me like I have never been loved and it is awesome. I wonder if I would be in this place of total peace about the entirety of my life if I weren't married to Adam. He has been so integral to my hearts healing that it's hard to imagine but I do believe that God has orchestrated every detail just perfectly. I was thinking about writing this out while coming down the mountain today. I went through a gamut of scenarios on what people might think about this or should I even bother, but I decided that God's gifts to us should be shared. There is so little "magic" it seems that when we experience or understand for even a moment the love of God it should yelled from the rough tops. I want to say that if you are in a place of struggle or trials to hold on, keep faith, believe that He is with you and working ALL things together for the good. Winter is a just a season. A time in which God uses to mold and develop maybe even the best parts of ourselves. I don't regret my first marriage, the amount of time I tried to honor God and my beliefs by staying in it. I wouldn't change the challenges that my family faced or the way my parents raised me. I feel like it all makes perfect sense to where I am today....JOYFUL.

Futility.....Forgetfullness....Not Enough

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat from it,' "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. Genesis 3:17


Life has definitely revealed it's toil, and I have engaged in futile efforts to prove that I am capable and enough. Capable of what and for what.....love and acceptance. All of which LIFE has no say in. I have been so busy these last few years or maybe even longer, much longer, trying to prove myself worthy. I have forgotten who I am and I had definitely forgotten who Christ is. Life also takes the wind out of your sails. All of the things I expected as a "my right" quickly became evident that nothing is promised to us, nothing is deserved just by being born. All is the same whether you believe or don't believe.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:45

My once so solid faith and understanding of the Bible rocked and rattled by life's disappointments, unanswered prayers, tragedy and the incredible pain that comes with loss and hope's destroyed. I have held on to the resurrection and gospel, but most everything else feels confusing. Does God really care about homosexuality as much as we obsess over it? Does He really talk to us? What is the point of prayer, especially the prayers begged from the knees to save marriages that will never get saved and for the baby that will never be born? What are those prayers for? I believe in my heart that the love of Jesus is the only real, valuable thing we can possibly know. I believe in the gospel as the greatest news ever to be heard. I feel that to my bones. If I had no hope of a heaven, a Christ that will redeem or a time when all sin an sadness will be wiped away I would have nothing to hold on too. I just feel as though I am in the in between or maybe better articulated as "luke warm". Who wants to be luke warm? You are neither refreshing, boiling or hot. It feels mostly just stagnant. I miss the younger version of myself. At least the part that was the eternal optimist and didn't see hope as a liability. I have lost the ability to pray. I use to fill journal after journal of prayers and conversations with God, but now it feels like silliness. A made up relationship that consists of only one side. I have had these prayer journals as early as age 11 and the sad reality is I haven't really changed what I have been praying for in all this time. I still face the same giants I faced backed then and I am still defeated by them as often as ever. One conversation with God would be so helpful, just one. What I have resolved through this word vomit of my inner demons is that there is really only one thing I know and one thing to cling too. Jesus does love me, and that makes me worthy and enough. That is really all I have figured out about Him at age 33. Heaven, Hell, sin, and "the chosen" are way beyond my ability to comprehend or understand. I woke up today with the weight of the rat race on my mind and the shame of unworthiness filling my body. I called my husband desperate in my OCD ways to help me figure out "a plan", something to make me feel safe and capable of meeting my goals. What goal? The same one, acceptance and love and security that I wont be hurt, rained on, scorched by the sun. All things that aren't promised to me, aren't available to lasso or store. So today I am choosing to not hold it in or shut down but to believe. I believe I'm enough. Even though I may never be a mother, or a great sister or daughter, a person who loves their job, or makes a difference in the world I am who I am. And I am so thankful at this very moment for the love of Christ, my sweet husband, the incredible friends that have stuck by me and loved me, my kind mom and all the other blessings I have been given.

Thirty three and smiling!

Today is my hubby's birthday. Thirty three and loving life. We spent the evening at Del frisco's eating yummy food and drinking good wine. One of the things we like to do or should I say I like to do is to make "lists". It suits my OCD well and we have fun doing it. "What are your ten favorite things about me?" "List five things you want to accomplish in the next five years. "Name the ten things you are most afraid of." and each date consists of a new list. Well tonight was the ten things I am most proud of in my birthday boy. There are so many and yet I loved watching his eyes light up as I went through every one explaining all there is to respect and revere about him. I won't bore you with the details but to us it is a blast.

Thirties are a good decade. I am really loving them. When we left the restaurant we headed to the cigar shop to pick a birthday smoke. My favorite thing about us right now is that we just really love being together. We don't have any kids yet and I really treasure these times. I am sure that the magic is unbelievable when two people come together to create another human being but for now I'm so giddy with just us. We turn the music up and sing at the top of our lungs. We smoke cigars and drink on our back patio. Tonight my husband showed me his DJ mixes and we bumped in the car acting as though we were teenagers all over again. I will say this, being a teenager when you are thirty is much richer than being a teenager in real time. So cheers! Cheers to 33 and marriage, cheers to good men, and the simple things that make life rich. Cheers to a love from heaven that coats everything and makes it warm and fuzzy and good and gooey inside. Cheers to my husband, the best man I know and the sparkle in my eye and the laughter from my belly!

Where is Christ among the body?????????

Im so discouraged by the "body of Christ" right now, it's hard to keep from weeping. I have been bombarded left and right with example after example of christians injuring, judging and rejecting to  suit their pride and self-righteousness! I have watched "friends and family" abandoned ship the second that they disapprove or disagree with someone else's opinions or lifestyle. There is no unity of the body. Is it not our obligation to love those that have fallen away, that are doubting their faith, that are struggling with reconciling the pain in their life to God's love? Is this not how we are set apart from the unbeliever? We are called to love even our enemies; and even more so remain of service to those that have lost sight of truth admist their darkness. It seems the second someone isn't performing up to the expectations that have been set they are cast aside. Is not the gospel based upon the very wretchedness of ALL our souls. Pharisees, broad of vipers is what they are!!!!! Comfortable they remain in their cliques and unaware of the souls that they destroy. When Alan and I were struggling and falling apart most of our Christian "friends" were no where to be found, but now they seem to have no problem casting their judgements on our sin and failure. Be a believer that earns your voice in people's lives by the love you have given. I wonder where Alan would be if one, just one, of his brothers would have remained to love him despite his failures. I remember one of the most monumental moments of my faith was when I was in the thick of my divorce and I had told a close friend of mine that I was not sure if I believed anymore, and he said, "I believe for you". I was overwhelmed with the love that I felt and I knew then that despite myself God still held me in the palm of his hands. Stop living in fear and start loving rightly, FAITHFULLY and whole heartedly.

Anxious and discouraged......

All I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. I felt that there was nothing greater I could do to honor the Lord. I imagined daily devotions and talks with my children about the beauty of Jesus and His love for them. I imagined this idealic life of love and joy where magic breathed regularly in our hearts. When I first separated from Alan I remember sleeping all the time. I would go to sleep crying and wake up crying. My heart physically ached in my chest. All of my friends seemed to have other dreams and yet ended up living mine. They have something I don't and as much as they try and include me I'm just not a mother, I'm not a wife. I can't possibly understand the love that they know and feel for their kids. I'm stunted in my walk because I don't know how to move forward and embrace something new. I start to enjoy and let go, but I'm jolted back to sadness and loss when good willed people step in with their opinions, laws and judgement. Am I allowed to ever be free? Do I have to pay for my mistakes for all my life? "Christians" are starting to feel like a bad cold I can't shake. This last year I have been alienated and rejected by more believers then one would like to admit. They seem to be the ones that give you the hardest laws and expectations to follow, but the first to bale on you when you are in need. I'm so sick of the hypocrisy. The fruits of the holy spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness and self control. I wonder if those that call Jesus their Father are striving with all their hearts to bring these attributes to EVERYONE, not just those they have chosen to except and love. I'm of course not without fault or flaw, but isn't that the point, none of us are. The grace of Christ is what makes Him Lord over all. I'm not venting, well maybe a little, but mostly Im desperate for understanding. How do I love those that reject me? How do I keep from being discouraged by other's attitude?

Who am I too you? Who am I darling....

To....

a quiet christmas day, the importance of good coffee, biting lips and nervous smiles, fear and walls, depth and tragedy, strength and discipline, the birth of magic and it's tragic loss, button's, belly laughter, conversations, walks, music, the hope of a happy ending, the devastation of feeling deceived and the sound of your voice...warmth.

My heart is broken, did I tell you that? Not by you, but by the innumerable tragedies I have seen, felt and even sometimes experienced. I ping pong back and forth with just wanting to be in heaven, where there is no sin, or wondering if there is even a "good" God out there. I felt Him when I was with you. I have known love of all kinds, but you made Him more real to me. It's what I miss most about you. Maybe I just miss Him.

Him,
Where have you been? I miss you and need you! My heart aches for hope. My eyes long for something other than the tragedy that haunts us. The gravity of loss that we are forced to witness is an evil I cannot even acknowledge. Children.....    Where are you? Where is your perfect love? I don't know what to pray. I know in the depths of my soul that You are all that is constant and perfect but I lack faith. I don't know how to encourage others when it seems we are being defeated regularly and well. I cling to your promises that remind me again and again that we are to not be afraid. I can't imagine the vastness of what you must of bore that day on Calvary. Lord, show me in the quietness how to pray for those that have lost.
 love, me