Sometimes I feel like the Lord chooses theme songs or verses for different seasons in our lives. For me, He keeps it simple and short, like a commercial jingle. This is probably for many reasons but most obviously it is a quick reminder that He is always present, always aware and definitely in control. In my twenties the general theme was His fierce and pursuing love for me. Over and over again He would prove His presence in my life as a permanent fixture despite myself, my sin and my lack of reciprocation. I was and am His. It took me a long time to have that be an absolute in my life no matter what life offered or it didn't. I had a friend ask me the other day how do I know that God exist and all I could say back to her was, "I can't explain it, I just do. He has shown up again and again in my life and it has been just to many times to doubt anymore." It is a little embarrassing that it takes me a decade to really accept, acknowledge and know what God is trying to teach me, but thankfully God is relentless. I now know that God is for real, that He loves me without end or depth and that He always will.
My thirties have been less about songs and more about a few verses that all come back to one large theme. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6
Being in your thirties is difficult, because your expectations of what your life should look like and what it actually looks like are rarely parallel. In my twenties I felt like I had so much time and I wasn't bothered by 'purpose' or 'legacy' I was more interested in survival and vanity. I turn 35 in month. Landmark I know. It's finally that last box you check at the doctor's office 35 and above; like after 35 it's all the same. This is the season of life that you take a look around and within and evaluate where you are and who you are, and begin asking questions like "What is my reason for being on this planet?" I think most people aren't as consumed by it as I am because they have soccer practices, homework and the terrible two's to keep up with. But that is my point, if you don't have children to force you out of bed and go to work for and you don't have a huge pull to travel to 3rd world countries where do you find that something that is bigger than yourself that makes you feel valuable and needed? I know that in the Bible it talks about bringing God glory with our lives, because after all it is all about Him, despite our tendency to believe otherwise. But how? How do I bring him glory? I do believe that it is a relational commandment. We bring Him glory by loving others and walking in humility. I'm struggling with the simplicity of it and the lack of grandeur. I wanted bigger and I felt like there was more to it. It's a lot of hard work to love others and to be kind and unselfish. It's a thankless job most of the time and I fail miserably almost every day. This is what God has been teaching me. He is showing me that learning to love the unlovable, being kind to the family members who hurt your husband, going the extra mile for those that mistreat you and surrendering your own desires so that you can show up for someone else is what it is about. Is it to honest to say that I was disappointed with this answer? Sometimes it is so lonely and heart braking. I honestly believe its because I haven't fully understood it all yet. After all I have five more years to go of this decade. The part that I keep hearing over and over is the "trusting" part. This morning was no exception. This was the verse that God gave to me today.
Matthew 8:25-28
25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27 The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”
I want the struggle to make sense. I want the lives of those I love to change to fit my will. I want to love with a reward. Ha! God is teaching me to trust. To trust him when the waves and the wind are crashing down. He wants me to believe in Him and His love no matter the hurt, or the pain. He wants me to love and serve others without anything in return because He will provide enough to sustain me on the water.
