Anxious and discouraged......

All I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. I felt that there was nothing greater I could do to honor the Lord. I imagined daily devotions and talks with my children about the beauty of Jesus and His love for them. I imagined this idealic life of love and joy where magic breathed regularly in our hearts. When I first separated from Alan I remember sleeping all the time. I would go to sleep crying and wake up crying. My heart physically ached in my chest. All of my friends seemed to have other dreams and yet ended up living mine. They have something I don't and as much as they try and include me I'm just not a mother, I'm not a wife. I can't possibly understand the love that they know and feel for their kids. I'm stunted in my walk because I don't know how to move forward and embrace something new. I start to enjoy and let go, but I'm jolted back to sadness and loss when good willed people step in with their opinions, laws and judgement. Am I allowed to ever be free? Do I have to pay for my mistakes for all my life? "Christians" are starting to feel like a bad cold I can't shake. This last year I have been alienated and rejected by more believers then one would like to admit. They seem to be the ones that give you the hardest laws and expectations to follow, but the first to bale on you when you are in need. I'm so sick of the hypocrisy. The fruits of the holy spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness and self control. I wonder if those that call Jesus their Father are striving with all their hearts to bring these attributes to EVERYONE, not just those they have chosen to except and love. I'm of course not without fault or flaw, but isn't that the point, none of us are. The grace of Christ is what makes Him Lord over all. I'm not venting, well maybe a little, but mostly Im desperate for understanding. How do I love those that reject me? How do I keep from being discouraged by other's attitude?