I went to a women's Bible study today. Talk about anxiety. I don't know what it is about large groups of Christian women, but they terrify me. A bible study was a new year's resolution and since we are almost in October I figured I should probably try and address it. I sat with 3 super models, no really, super models and felt my insecurities and self doubt creeping in. I resolved to closing my eyes and trying to focus on the worship and not myself and my fears. I felt myself judging everything and anything I could and when I wasn't judging I was feeling judged. I felt the spiritual battle going on within and around me, robbing me of these new friends, this time of worship, and study of the Word. I finally just told myself to surrender to the moment and embrace what God had given me. I felt a crack in my heart open and warmth seep into a place I hadn't even know had turned dark. I want back what was stolen from me through heart brake, betrayal, sin, disappointment and years of hurt. I don't want to choose fear anymore. I don't want to self protect, I want to love. I want to give love and receive it without judgement or expectation. I want to be the mother, wife and friend that hopes without borders, encourages relentlessly because of the promise we have in our God. I was abused, I was cheated on, I was hurt....really hurt, but I am free. I might be hurt again. Correction, I will be hurt again, but I am made new through it all. This is the good news. This is the hope we have in Christ. This is what I hold to in my marrow. This is the richness that I will get to instill in my child. I will be able to tell her or him that there is hope that is greater than any pain or battle you will face. Life is hard and things hurt deep within our being but we have an endless love that we can pull from despite our failures and our pain. We can dare to be brave and imagine our dreams as a reality no matter the outcome, because the love that upholds us is bottomless.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
What does it mean to imagine and meditate on hope?
The other day I was on my way to work, five days late, and thinking about the possibility of being a mother. I immediately felt a worry creeping into my spirit. I wanted to go buy a prayer journal that second and start my battle for their hearts and life. How would I be able to share with them this moment? How would I convince them that I loved them before I even met them and that I knew in that moment I would do anything and everything I could to make their life the best it could be. I felt myself overwhelmed with joy and tears just ran down my face. I had spent that morning praying and prostrate before the Lord for and hour. Little did I know God was just preparing my heart for the disappointment that followed. No baby this month. I was almost expecting it. Hope has become a four letter word and as much as I have been aware of my fear I have done nothing to address it. God is gentle and has a plan.
I went to a women's Bible study today. Talk about anxiety. I don't know what it is about large groups of Christian women, but they terrify me. A bible study was a new year's resolution and since we are almost in October I figured I should probably try and address it. I sat with 3 super models, no really, super models and felt my insecurities and self doubt creeping in. I resolved to closing my eyes and trying to focus on the worship and not myself and my fears. I felt myself judging everything and anything I could and when I wasn't judging I was feeling judged. I felt the spiritual battle going on within and around me, robbing me of these new friends, this time of worship, and study of the Word. I finally just told myself to surrender to the moment and embrace what God had given me. I felt a crack in my heart open and warmth seep into a place I hadn't even know had turned dark. I want back what was stolen from me through heart brake, betrayal, sin, disappointment and years of hurt. I don't want to choose fear anymore. I don't want to self protect, I want to love. I want to give love and receive it without judgement or expectation. I want to be the mother, wife and friend that hopes without borders, encourages relentlessly because of the promise we have in our God. I was abused, I was cheated on, I was hurt....really hurt, but I am free. I might be hurt again. Correction, I will be hurt again, but I am made new through it all. This is the good news. This is the hope we have in Christ. This is what I hold to in my marrow. This is the richness that I will get to instill in my child. I will be able to tell her or him that there is hope that is greater than any pain or battle you will face. Life is hard and things hurt deep within our being but we have an endless love that we can pull from despite our failures and our pain. We can dare to be brave and imagine our dreams as a reality no matter the outcome, because the love that upholds us is bottomless.
I went to a women's Bible study today. Talk about anxiety. I don't know what it is about large groups of Christian women, but they terrify me. A bible study was a new year's resolution and since we are almost in October I figured I should probably try and address it. I sat with 3 super models, no really, super models and felt my insecurities and self doubt creeping in. I resolved to closing my eyes and trying to focus on the worship and not myself and my fears. I felt myself judging everything and anything I could and when I wasn't judging I was feeling judged. I felt the spiritual battle going on within and around me, robbing me of these new friends, this time of worship, and study of the Word. I finally just told myself to surrender to the moment and embrace what God had given me. I felt a crack in my heart open and warmth seep into a place I hadn't even know had turned dark. I want back what was stolen from me through heart brake, betrayal, sin, disappointment and years of hurt. I don't want to choose fear anymore. I don't want to self protect, I want to love. I want to give love and receive it without judgement or expectation. I want to be the mother, wife and friend that hopes without borders, encourages relentlessly because of the promise we have in our God. I was abused, I was cheated on, I was hurt....really hurt, but I am free. I might be hurt again. Correction, I will be hurt again, but I am made new through it all. This is the good news. This is the hope we have in Christ. This is what I hold to in my marrow. This is the richness that I will get to instill in my child. I will be able to tell her or him that there is hope that is greater than any pain or battle you will face. Life is hard and things hurt deep within our being but we have an endless love that we can pull from despite our failures and our pain. We can dare to be brave and imagine our dreams as a reality no matter the outcome, because the love that upholds us is bottomless.
Friday, March 27, 2015
The struggle.
Spirit Lead me where my trust is without Borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savoir." -Hillsong
When I was a young christian I remember praying for the Lord to increase my faith and draw me to a place of complete trust in Him. It's funny what we pray for in total naivety. Faith is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Proof being the key word. Asking for more faith means existing in a place of hope without any logical or reasonable reasons to do so. The entirety of my twenties was a season of complete faith. It was and hopefully will be the hardest decade of my life. I held on to covenant promises and the word of God being bigger than me or my failing marriage. I hoped beyond reasonable reason for the redemption of a completely lost relationship prone to sin and destruction. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12. I was heart sick after my divorce. Needless to say I quit praying for faith without borders, really I quit praying at all. I would try but the thought of hope hurt. Then a few years later and through lots of counseling I met Adam. What an instrument of healing he is in my life. I was sure that there were places in my heart that would just be shut down for good, but as usual I was wrong. I am still amazed at how much God has loved me back to a place of joy and health. I even started praying and reading my Bible again. I never really stopped believing in God or the Bible I just was too beat down to put any energy out. I was in desperate need of a one way unconditional love. Thank goodness that He comes to save the sick. The last two years I have been amazed by the lack of tears in my life and the amount of fun I have been having. Being in love is wonderful. Having a teammate in your spouse is a gift of endless value. About a year ago we decided to try and have a family. I thought for sure I would never get to dream that big or hope for such a wonderful blessing. I felt like the endless winter in my life was over. Well when Adam and I found out that we weren't likely to conceive naturally I felt myself doubting that God wanted joy for me at all. I'm still amazed at my lack of faith in these moments, especially with how much the Lord has shown up for me in my life. I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness and I relate to their hearts that are prone to leave the God they love. I tend to go into self protection mode first and usually that means trying to find answers and comfort on my own. This last week has been no different. I have been an emotional wreck about this baby making process. I feel trapped inside about it, because it feels silly to care so much. I feel ungrateful and at times ridiculous for not having a better perspective. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and my husband and our struggle to have kids. I called friends to help encourage me and even talked to my hubby a bit but nothing really touched the deep ache that just lingers inside. I decided to try and listen to some worship music, because sometimes the Bible just doesn't speak directly to me. What I love about worship music is it's ability to change our hearts perspective from earthly things to the heavenly things. I just went to youtube and searched Hillsong and this song came on....
I knew then that this was a new season in my life of faith. It's painful to continue in hope, but it is so necessary. There are so many things on this planet that are evil and depraved and it's hard to keep faith that God exists or that He is in control. What a great lesson the Lord is giving me to prepare me for parenthood or just life in general. So much is out of our control, if not everything. I think over and over again God is calling us out of the boat (like he did Peter) and asking us to trust Him. The waves are crashing and our reasonable minds know we can't walk on water, but Faith can carry us places we can't even to begin to imagine. I think although my heart aches I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in my belief. I'm thankful that God meats us where we are if we just turn to Him. I'm thankful for my friends that pray and believe for me when I can't. So child or no child I'm encouraged at the constant love of God. I'm excited that He still calls me out upon the water.
When I was a young christian I remember praying for the Lord to increase my faith and draw me to a place of complete trust in Him. It's funny what we pray for in total naivety. Faith is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Proof being the key word. Asking for more faith means existing in a place of hope without any logical or reasonable reasons to do so. The entirety of my twenties was a season of complete faith. It was and hopefully will be the hardest decade of my life. I held on to covenant promises and the word of God being bigger than me or my failing marriage. I hoped beyond reasonable reason for the redemption of a completely lost relationship prone to sin and destruction. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12. I was heart sick after my divorce. Needless to say I quit praying for faith without borders, really I quit praying at all. I would try but the thought of hope hurt. Then a few years later and through lots of counseling I met Adam. What an instrument of healing he is in my life. I was sure that there were places in my heart that would just be shut down for good, but as usual I was wrong. I am still amazed at how much God has loved me back to a place of joy and health. I even started praying and reading my Bible again. I never really stopped believing in God or the Bible I just was too beat down to put any energy out. I was in desperate need of a one way unconditional love. Thank goodness that He comes to save the sick. The last two years I have been amazed by the lack of tears in my life and the amount of fun I have been having. Being in love is wonderful. Having a teammate in your spouse is a gift of endless value. About a year ago we decided to try and have a family. I thought for sure I would never get to dream that big or hope for such a wonderful blessing. I felt like the endless winter in my life was over. Well when Adam and I found out that we weren't likely to conceive naturally I felt myself doubting that God wanted joy for me at all. I'm still amazed at my lack of faith in these moments, especially with how much the Lord has shown up for me in my life. I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness and I relate to their hearts that are prone to leave the God they love. I tend to go into self protection mode first and usually that means trying to find answers and comfort on my own. This last week has been no different. I have been an emotional wreck about this baby making process. I feel trapped inside about it, because it feels silly to care so much. I feel ungrateful and at times ridiculous for not having a better perspective. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and my husband and our struggle to have kids. I called friends to help encourage me and even talked to my hubby a bit but nothing really touched the deep ache that just lingers inside. I decided to try and listen to some worship music, because sometimes the Bible just doesn't speak directly to me. What I love about worship music is it's ability to change our hearts perspective from earthly things to the heavenly things. I just went to youtube and searched Hillsong and this song came on....
I knew then that this was a new season in my life of faith. It's painful to continue in hope, but it is so necessary. There are so many things on this planet that are evil and depraved and it's hard to keep faith that God exists or that He is in control. What a great lesson the Lord is giving me to prepare me for parenthood or just life in general. So much is out of our control, if not everything. I think over and over again God is calling us out of the boat (like he did Peter) and asking us to trust Him. The waves are crashing and our reasonable minds know we can't walk on water, but Faith can carry us places we can't even to begin to imagine. I think although my heart aches I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in my belief. I'm thankful that God meats us where we are if we just turn to Him. I'm thankful for my friends that pray and believe for me when I can't. So child or no child I'm encouraged at the constant love of God. I'm excited that He still calls me out upon the water.
Monday, February 9, 2015
His love never fails. (I knew what I was taking about when I chose that as my senior quote in highschool. just took me a decade to realize it.)
I got to hike Squaw-peak mountain today, which is one of my favorite things in the world to do. I have had about a two year hiatus from hiking or working out of any kind due to some severe sciatic pain in my left leg. I cannot even tell you the tears I have cried out to God over the loss of my most favorite hobby. I love exercise. It's just healing in so many ways. Living without it has really allowed me to appreciate it even more. The thing I love most about the mountain isn't the sweat or the calories burned but the time alone in my head. Almost every other situation in life I have about 8 million thoughts traveling at light speed all at the same time. It's exhausting. But when I hike and I have my headphones in something magical happens. God just feels present and the answers to life feel simple. Today was no different; I was overwhelmed with gratitude over so many different things. I have now hiked twice in a week with no residual leg pain which is probably one of my top ten greatest mercies of God I have experienced. Also, I am happy. Happy sounds to cliche', I guess I'm full of joy. Life is really good. Not just today or lately but as a whole. I look back even a couple of years and thinks how hard everything seemed and never ending. Narnia's endless winter felt real to me. I remember this blog being cathartic and feeling necessary for hope. I was writing to God, to the world that I was just barely hanging on, but yet still keeping faith that God was listening and going to show up in my life. What today's clear head gifted me felt so special. God has been with me all along weaving this perfect tapestry of my life. I'm not angry or sad about any of it. I'm overwhelmed with His complete and perfect grace. I celebrated my youngest sister Grace's baby's first birthday this weekend. It feels like my family has finally come in to a place of comfort. For so much of my childhood and life as an adult I just sensed chaos or an underlying discomfort but now my siblings and my mom all seem to know who they are and I enjoy them. We love each other and each others children. It felt warm and fuzzy like I had always imagined families should feel. I also feel safe in my own skin. A lot of that has to do with the incredible love I get from my husband. He is a soft place to fall and he loves me like I have never been loved and it is awesome. I wonder if I would be in this place of total peace about the entirety of my life if I weren't married to Adam. He has been so integral to my hearts healing that it's hard to imagine but I do believe that God has orchestrated every detail just perfectly. I was thinking about writing this out while coming down the mountain today. I went through a gamut of scenarios on what people might think about this or should I even bother, but I decided that God's gifts to us should be shared. There is so little "magic" it seems that when we experience or understand for even a moment the love of God it should yelled from the rough tops. I want to say that if you are in a place of struggle or trials to hold on, keep faith, believe that He is with you and working ALL things together for the good. Winter is a just a season. A time in which God uses to mold and develop maybe even the best parts of ourselves. I don't regret my first marriage, the amount of time I tried to honor God and my beliefs by staying in it. I wouldn't change the challenges that my family faced or the way my parents raised me. I feel like it all makes perfect sense to where I am today....JOYFUL.
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