When I was a young christian I remember praying for the Lord to increase my faith and draw me to a place of complete trust in Him. It's funny what we pray for in total naivety. Faith is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Proof being the key word. Asking for more faith means existing in a place of hope without any logical or reasonable reasons to do so. The entirety of my twenties was a season of complete faith. It was and hopefully will be the hardest decade of my life. I held on to covenant promises and the word of God being bigger than me or my failing marriage. I hoped beyond reasonable reason for the redemption of a completely lost relationship prone to sin and destruction. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12. I was heart sick after my divorce. Needless to say I quit praying for faith without borders, really I quit praying at all. I would try but the thought of hope hurt. Then a few years later and through lots of counseling I met Adam. What an instrument of healing he is in my life. I was sure that there were places in my heart that would just be shut down for good, but as usual I was wrong. I am still amazed at how much God has loved me back to a place of joy and health. I even started praying and reading my Bible again. I never really stopped believing in God or the Bible I just was too beat down to put any energy out. I was in desperate need of a one way unconditional love. Thank goodness that He comes to save the sick. The last two years I have been amazed by the lack of tears in my life and the amount of fun I have been having. Being in love is wonderful. Having a teammate in your spouse is a gift of endless value. About a year ago we decided to try and have a family. I thought for sure I would never get to dream that big or hope for such a wonderful blessing. I felt like the endless winter in my life was over. Well when Adam and I found out that we weren't likely to conceive naturally I felt myself doubting that God wanted joy for me at all. I'm still amazed at my lack of faith in these moments, especially with how much the Lord has shown up for me in my life. I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness and I relate to their hearts that are prone to leave the God they love. I tend to go into self protection mode first and usually that means trying to find answers and comfort on my own. This last week has been no different. I have been an emotional wreck about this baby making process. I feel trapped inside about it, because it feels silly to care so much. I feel ungrateful and at times ridiculous for not having a better perspective. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and my husband and our struggle to have kids. I called friends to help encourage me and even talked to my hubby a bit but nothing really touched the deep ache that just lingers inside. I decided to try and listen to some worship music, because sometimes the Bible just doesn't speak directly to me. What I love about worship music is it's ability to change our hearts perspective from earthly things to the heavenly things. I just went to youtube and searched Hillsong and this song came on....
I knew then that this was a new season in my life of faith. It's painful to continue in hope, but it is so necessary. There are so many things on this planet that are evil and depraved and it's hard to keep faith that God exists or that He is in control. What a great lesson the Lord is giving me to prepare me for parenthood or just life in general. So much is out of our control, if not everything. I think over and over again God is calling us out of the boat (like he did Peter) and asking us to trust Him. The waves are crashing and our reasonable minds know we can't walk on water, but Faith can carry us places we can't even to begin to imagine. I think although my heart aches I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in my belief. I'm thankful that God meats us where we are if we just turn to Him. I'm thankful for my friends that pray and believe for me when I can't. So child or no child I'm encouraged at the constant love of God. I'm excited that He still calls me out upon the water.
