Life has definitely revealed it's toil, and I have engaged in futile efforts to prove that I am capable and enough. Capable of what and for what.....love and acceptance. All of which LIFE has no say in. I have been so busy these last few years or maybe even longer, much longer, trying to prove myself worthy. I have forgotten who I am and I had definitely forgotten who Christ is. Life also takes the wind out of your sails. All of the things I expected as a "my right" quickly became evident that nothing is promised to us, nothing is deserved just by being born. All is the same whether you believe or don't believe.
"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:45
My once so solid faith and understanding of the Bible rocked and rattled by life's disappointments, unanswered prayers, tragedy and the incredible pain that comes with loss and hope's destroyed. I have held on to the resurrection and gospel, but most everything else feels confusing. Does God really care about homosexuality as much as we obsess over it? Does He really talk to us? What is the point of prayer, especially the prayers begged from the knees to save marriages that will never get saved and for the baby that will never be born? What are those prayers for? I believe in my heart that the love of Jesus is the only real, valuable thing we can possibly know. I believe in the gospel as the greatest news ever to be heard. I feel that to my bones. If I had no hope of a heaven, a Christ that will redeem or a time when all sin an sadness will be wiped away I would have nothing to hold on too. I just feel as though I am in the in between or maybe better articulated as "luke warm". Who wants to be luke warm? You are neither refreshing, boiling or hot. It feels mostly just stagnant. I miss the younger version of myself. At least the part that was the eternal optimist and didn't see hope as a liability. I have lost the ability to pray. I use to fill journal after journal of prayers and conversations with God, but now it feels like silliness. A made up relationship that consists of only one side. I have had these prayer journals as early as age 11 and the sad reality is I haven't really changed what I have been praying for in all this time. I still face the same giants I faced backed then and I am still defeated by them as often as ever. One conversation with God would be so helpful, just one. What I have resolved through this word vomit of my inner demons is that there is really only one thing I know and one thing to cling too. Jesus does love me, and that makes me worthy and enough. That is really all I have figured out about Him at age 33. Heaven, Hell, sin, and "the chosen" are way beyond my ability to comprehend or understand. I woke up today with the weight of the rat race on my mind and the shame of unworthiness filling my body. I called my husband desperate in my OCD ways to help me figure out "a plan", something to make me feel safe and capable of meeting my goals. What goal? The same one, acceptance and love and security that I wont be hurt, rained on, scorched by the sun. All things that aren't promised to me, aren't available to lasso or store. So today I am choosing to not hold it in or shut down but to believe. I believe I'm enough. Even though I may never be a mother, or a great sister or daughter, a person who loves their job, or makes a difference in the world I am who I am. And I am so thankful at this very moment for the love of Christ, my sweet husband, the incredible friends that have stuck by me and loved me, my kind mom and all the other blessings I have been given.
