Sunday, June 24, 2018
Goodbye Sharlene, you are were truly an angel.
My heart is flooded with emotions thinking about you and who you were every day. I stood in the shower tonight with tears streaming down my face and I was trying to articulate what it was about you that made you so rare and special and all I could think about was the gospel. You remind me of the love and power of forgiveness that I experience every moment through Jesus Christ. I'm sitting here listening to this song over and over trying to imagine you finally home and all I can see is you dancing. You held on to the love of your Father like no one else I have ever known. Through the shit storm of life you clung to Him with true grit. I miss you right now because I want to hear you tell me about Him and then I realize you did so many times over and over again. When I had doubt or fear or just a rebellious heart you listened and you loved. I can't even begin to fathom the lives you have impacted with your empathy and generosity. I feel so far away from the girl that I was when I was with you. Life is overwhelming and distracting and I have forgotten the magic; the magic that exists in the redemption of the lost. Oh man those "Inner City" days. Fourteen kids pilled illegally into one small car for church. It seemed as though there was no hope or reward sometimes but you always showed up, for them and for me. I have never lost someone this close to me before and so all these feelings are new. I have regrets and things I wish I would have said to you. I know that one day I will have the chance again, but I think when we are finally face to face all will be understood. I hope you knew how important and life saving your friendship was to me. I hope you knew that your life was an example that I want to model but fall so short from. I can't think of one time you weren't loving, loyal, faithful or kind. I aspire to be the friend and woman that you were. I will miss your coffee, and your house. I will miss you knowing my son. I know you prayed for me to have him and the joy of motherhood. Thank you for loving me, thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for your passion and your heart. Thank you for every conversation, prayer, hike, ride and meal. Your friendship might have been the most important of my life. You were in almost every memory I have for decades of my life. I love you Sharlene and I will look for you first when I finally make it home. I love you.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Finding purpose and faith by trusting God through life's trials.
Sometimes I feel like the Lord chooses theme songs or verses for different seasons in our lives. For me, He keeps it simple and short, like a commercial jingle. This is probably for many reasons but most obviously it is a quick reminder that He is always present, always aware and definitely in control. In my twenties the general theme was His fierce and pursuing love for me. Over and over again He would prove His presence in my life as a permanent fixture despite myself, my sin and my lack of reciprocation. I was and am His. It took me a long time to have that be an absolute in my life no matter what life offered or it didn't. I had a friend ask me the other day how do I know that God exist and all I could say back to her was, "I can't explain it, I just do. He has shown up again and again in my life and it has been just to many times to doubt anymore." It is a little embarrassing that it takes me a decade to really accept, acknowledge and know what God is trying to teach me, but thankfully God is relentless. I now know that God is for real, that He loves me without end or depth and that He always will.
My thirties have been less about songs and more about a few verses that all come back to one large theme. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6
Being in your thirties is difficult, because your expectations of what your life should look like and what it actually looks like are rarely parallel. In my twenties I felt like I had so much time and I wasn't bothered by 'purpose' or 'legacy' I was more interested in survival and vanity. I turn 35 in month. Landmark I know. It's finally that last box you check at the doctor's office 35 and above; like after 35 it's all the same. This is the season of life that you take a look around and within and evaluate where you are and who you are, and begin asking questions like "What is my reason for being on this planet?" I think most people aren't as consumed by it as I am because they have soccer practices, homework and the terrible two's to keep up with. But that is my point, if you don't have children to force you out of bed and go to work for and you don't have a huge pull to travel to 3rd world countries where do you find that something that is bigger than yourself that makes you feel valuable and needed? I know that in the Bible it talks about bringing God glory with our lives, because after all it is all about Him, despite our tendency to believe otherwise. But how? How do I bring him glory? I do believe that it is a relational commandment. We bring Him glory by loving others and walking in humility. I'm struggling with the simplicity of it and the lack of grandeur. I wanted bigger and I felt like there was more to it. It's a lot of hard work to love others and to be kind and unselfish. It's a thankless job most of the time and I fail miserably almost every day. This is what God has been teaching me. He is showing me that learning to love the unlovable, being kind to the family members who hurt your husband, going the extra mile for those that mistreat you and surrendering your own desires so that you can show up for someone else is what it is about. Is it to honest to say that I was disappointed with this answer? Sometimes it is so lonely and heart braking. I honestly believe its because I haven't fully understood it all yet. After all I have five more years to go of this decade. The part that I keep hearing over and over is the "trusting" part. This morning was no exception. This was the verse that God gave to me today.
Matthew 8:25-28
25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27 The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”
I want the struggle to make sense. I want the lives of those I love to change to fit my will. I want to love with a reward. Ha! God is teaching me to trust. To trust him when the waves and the wind are crashing down. He wants me to believe in Him and His love no matter the hurt, or the pain. He wants me to love and serve others without anything in return because He will provide enough to sustain me on the water.
My thirties have been less about songs and more about a few verses that all come back to one large theme. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6
Being in your thirties is difficult, because your expectations of what your life should look like and what it actually looks like are rarely parallel. In my twenties I felt like I had so much time and I wasn't bothered by 'purpose' or 'legacy' I was more interested in survival and vanity. I turn 35 in month. Landmark I know. It's finally that last box you check at the doctor's office 35 and above; like after 35 it's all the same. This is the season of life that you take a look around and within and evaluate where you are and who you are, and begin asking questions like "What is my reason for being on this planet?" I think most people aren't as consumed by it as I am because they have soccer practices, homework and the terrible two's to keep up with. But that is my point, if you don't have children to force you out of bed and go to work for and you don't have a huge pull to travel to 3rd world countries where do you find that something that is bigger than yourself that makes you feel valuable and needed? I know that in the Bible it talks about bringing God glory with our lives, because after all it is all about Him, despite our tendency to believe otherwise. But how? How do I bring him glory? I do believe that it is a relational commandment. We bring Him glory by loving others and walking in humility. I'm struggling with the simplicity of it and the lack of grandeur. I wanted bigger and I felt like there was more to it. It's a lot of hard work to love others and to be kind and unselfish. It's a thankless job most of the time and I fail miserably almost every day. This is what God has been teaching me. He is showing me that learning to love the unlovable, being kind to the family members who hurt your husband, going the extra mile for those that mistreat you and surrendering your own desires so that you can show up for someone else is what it is about. Is it to honest to say that I was disappointed with this answer? Sometimes it is so lonely and heart braking. I honestly believe its because I haven't fully understood it all yet. After all I have five more years to go of this decade. The part that I keep hearing over and over is the "trusting" part. This morning was no exception. This was the verse that God gave to me today.
Matthew 8:25-28
25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27 The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”
I want the struggle to make sense. I want the lives of those I love to change to fit my will. I want to love with a reward. Ha! God is teaching me to trust. To trust him when the waves and the wind are crashing down. He wants me to believe in Him and His love no matter the hurt, or the pain. He wants me to love and serve others without anything in return because He will provide enough to sustain me on the water.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
What does it mean to imagine and meditate on hope?
The other day I was on my way to work, five days late, and thinking about the possibility of being a mother. I immediately felt a worry creeping into my spirit. I wanted to go buy a prayer journal that second and start my battle for their hearts and life. How would I be able to share with them this moment? How would I convince them that I loved them before I even met them and that I knew in that moment I would do anything and everything I could to make their life the best it could be. I felt myself overwhelmed with joy and tears just ran down my face. I had spent that morning praying and prostrate before the Lord for and hour. Little did I know God was just preparing my heart for the disappointment that followed. No baby this month. I was almost expecting it. Hope has become a four letter word and as much as I have been aware of my fear I have done nothing to address it. God is gentle and has a plan.
I went to a women's Bible study today. Talk about anxiety. I don't know what it is about large groups of Christian women, but they terrify me. A bible study was a new year's resolution and since we are almost in October I figured I should probably try and address it. I sat with 3 super models, no really, super models and felt my insecurities and self doubt creeping in. I resolved to closing my eyes and trying to focus on the worship and not myself and my fears. I felt myself judging everything and anything I could and when I wasn't judging I was feeling judged. I felt the spiritual battle going on within and around me, robbing me of these new friends, this time of worship, and study of the Word. I finally just told myself to surrender to the moment and embrace what God had given me. I felt a crack in my heart open and warmth seep into a place I hadn't even know had turned dark. I want back what was stolen from me through heart brake, betrayal, sin, disappointment and years of hurt. I don't want to choose fear anymore. I don't want to self protect, I want to love. I want to give love and receive it without judgement or expectation. I want to be the mother, wife and friend that hopes without borders, encourages relentlessly because of the promise we have in our God. I was abused, I was cheated on, I was hurt....really hurt, but I am free. I might be hurt again. Correction, I will be hurt again, but I am made new through it all. This is the good news. This is the hope we have in Christ. This is what I hold to in my marrow. This is the richness that I will get to instill in my child. I will be able to tell her or him that there is hope that is greater than any pain or battle you will face. Life is hard and things hurt deep within our being but we have an endless love that we can pull from despite our failures and our pain. We can dare to be brave and imagine our dreams as a reality no matter the outcome, because the love that upholds us is bottomless.
I went to a women's Bible study today. Talk about anxiety. I don't know what it is about large groups of Christian women, but they terrify me. A bible study was a new year's resolution and since we are almost in October I figured I should probably try and address it. I sat with 3 super models, no really, super models and felt my insecurities and self doubt creeping in. I resolved to closing my eyes and trying to focus on the worship and not myself and my fears. I felt myself judging everything and anything I could and when I wasn't judging I was feeling judged. I felt the spiritual battle going on within and around me, robbing me of these new friends, this time of worship, and study of the Word. I finally just told myself to surrender to the moment and embrace what God had given me. I felt a crack in my heart open and warmth seep into a place I hadn't even know had turned dark. I want back what was stolen from me through heart brake, betrayal, sin, disappointment and years of hurt. I don't want to choose fear anymore. I don't want to self protect, I want to love. I want to give love and receive it without judgement or expectation. I want to be the mother, wife and friend that hopes without borders, encourages relentlessly because of the promise we have in our God. I was abused, I was cheated on, I was hurt....really hurt, but I am free. I might be hurt again. Correction, I will be hurt again, but I am made new through it all. This is the good news. This is the hope we have in Christ. This is what I hold to in my marrow. This is the richness that I will get to instill in my child. I will be able to tell her or him that there is hope that is greater than any pain or battle you will face. Life is hard and things hurt deep within our being but we have an endless love that we can pull from despite our failures and our pain. We can dare to be brave and imagine our dreams as a reality no matter the outcome, because the love that upholds us is bottomless.
Friday, March 27, 2015
The struggle.
Spirit Lead me where my trust is without Borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savoir." -Hillsong
When I was a young christian I remember praying for the Lord to increase my faith and draw me to a place of complete trust in Him. It's funny what we pray for in total naivety. Faith is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Proof being the key word. Asking for more faith means existing in a place of hope without any logical or reasonable reasons to do so. The entirety of my twenties was a season of complete faith. It was and hopefully will be the hardest decade of my life. I held on to covenant promises and the word of God being bigger than me or my failing marriage. I hoped beyond reasonable reason for the redemption of a completely lost relationship prone to sin and destruction. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12. I was heart sick after my divorce. Needless to say I quit praying for faith without borders, really I quit praying at all. I would try but the thought of hope hurt. Then a few years later and through lots of counseling I met Adam. What an instrument of healing he is in my life. I was sure that there were places in my heart that would just be shut down for good, but as usual I was wrong. I am still amazed at how much God has loved me back to a place of joy and health. I even started praying and reading my Bible again. I never really stopped believing in God or the Bible I just was too beat down to put any energy out. I was in desperate need of a one way unconditional love. Thank goodness that He comes to save the sick. The last two years I have been amazed by the lack of tears in my life and the amount of fun I have been having. Being in love is wonderful. Having a teammate in your spouse is a gift of endless value. About a year ago we decided to try and have a family. I thought for sure I would never get to dream that big or hope for such a wonderful blessing. I felt like the endless winter in my life was over. Well when Adam and I found out that we weren't likely to conceive naturally I felt myself doubting that God wanted joy for me at all. I'm still amazed at my lack of faith in these moments, especially with how much the Lord has shown up for me in my life. I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness and I relate to their hearts that are prone to leave the God they love. I tend to go into self protection mode first and usually that means trying to find answers and comfort on my own. This last week has been no different. I have been an emotional wreck about this baby making process. I feel trapped inside about it, because it feels silly to care so much. I feel ungrateful and at times ridiculous for not having a better perspective. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and my husband and our struggle to have kids. I called friends to help encourage me and even talked to my hubby a bit but nothing really touched the deep ache that just lingers inside. I decided to try and listen to some worship music, because sometimes the Bible just doesn't speak directly to me. What I love about worship music is it's ability to change our hearts perspective from earthly things to the heavenly things. I just went to youtube and searched Hillsong and this song came on....
I knew then that this was a new season in my life of faith. It's painful to continue in hope, but it is so necessary. There are so many things on this planet that are evil and depraved and it's hard to keep faith that God exists or that He is in control. What a great lesson the Lord is giving me to prepare me for parenthood or just life in general. So much is out of our control, if not everything. I think over and over again God is calling us out of the boat (like he did Peter) and asking us to trust Him. The waves are crashing and our reasonable minds know we can't walk on water, but Faith can carry us places we can't even to begin to imagine. I think although my heart aches I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in my belief. I'm thankful that God meats us where we are if we just turn to Him. I'm thankful for my friends that pray and believe for me when I can't. So child or no child I'm encouraged at the constant love of God. I'm excited that He still calls me out upon the water.
When I was a young christian I remember praying for the Lord to increase my faith and draw me to a place of complete trust in Him. It's funny what we pray for in total naivety. Faith is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Proof being the key word. Asking for more faith means existing in a place of hope without any logical or reasonable reasons to do so. The entirety of my twenties was a season of complete faith. It was and hopefully will be the hardest decade of my life. I held on to covenant promises and the word of God being bigger than me or my failing marriage. I hoped beyond reasonable reason for the redemption of a completely lost relationship prone to sin and destruction. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12. I was heart sick after my divorce. Needless to say I quit praying for faith without borders, really I quit praying at all. I would try but the thought of hope hurt. Then a few years later and through lots of counseling I met Adam. What an instrument of healing he is in my life. I was sure that there were places in my heart that would just be shut down for good, but as usual I was wrong. I am still amazed at how much God has loved me back to a place of joy and health. I even started praying and reading my Bible again. I never really stopped believing in God or the Bible I just was too beat down to put any energy out. I was in desperate need of a one way unconditional love. Thank goodness that He comes to save the sick. The last two years I have been amazed by the lack of tears in my life and the amount of fun I have been having. Being in love is wonderful. Having a teammate in your spouse is a gift of endless value. About a year ago we decided to try and have a family. I thought for sure I would never get to dream that big or hope for such a wonderful blessing. I felt like the endless winter in my life was over. Well when Adam and I found out that we weren't likely to conceive naturally I felt myself doubting that God wanted joy for me at all. I'm still amazed at my lack of faith in these moments, especially with how much the Lord has shown up for me in my life. I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness and I relate to their hearts that are prone to leave the God they love. I tend to go into self protection mode first and usually that means trying to find answers and comfort on my own. This last week has been no different. I have been an emotional wreck about this baby making process. I feel trapped inside about it, because it feels silly to care so much. I feel ungrateful and at times ridiculous for not having a better perspective. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and my husband and our struggle to have kids. I called friends to help encourage me and even talked to my hubby a bit but nothing really touched the deep ache that just lingers inside. I decided to try and listen to some worship music, because sometimes the Bible just doesn't speak directly to me. What I love about worship music is it's ability to change our hearts perspective from earthly things to the heavenly things. I just went to youtube and searched Hillsong and this song came on....
I knew then that this was a new season in my life of faith. It's painful to continue in hope, but it is so necessary. There are so many things on this planet that are evil and depraved and it's hard to keep faith that God exists or that He is in control. What a great lesson the Lord is giving me to prepare me for parenthood or just life in general. So much is out of our control, if not everything. I think over and over again God is calling us out of the boat (like he did Peter) and asking us to trust Him. The waves are crashing and our reasonable minds know we can't walk on water, but Faith can carry us places we can't even to begin to imagine. I think although my heart aches I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in my belief. I'm thankful that God meats us where we are if we just turn to Him. I'm thankful for my friends that pray and believe for me when I can't. So child or no child I'm encouraged at the constant love of God. I'm excited that He still calls me out upon the water.
Monday, February 9, 2015
His love never fails. (I knew what I was taking about when I chose that as my senior quote in highschool. just took me a decade to realize it.)
I got to hike Squaw-peak mountain today, which is one of my favorite things in the world to do. I have had about a two year hiatus from hiking or working out of any kind due to some severe sciatic pain in my left leg. I cannot even tell you the tears I have cried out to God over the loss of my most favorite hobby. I love exercise. It's just healing in so many ways. Living without it has really allowed me to appreciate it even more. The thing I love most about the mountain isn't the sweat or the calories burned but the time alone in my head. Almost every other situation in life I have about 8 million thoughts traveling at light speed all at the same time. It's exhausting. But when I hike and I have my headphones in something magical happens. God just feels present and the answers to life feel simple. Today was no different; I was overwhelmed with gratitude over so many different things. I have now hiked twice in a week with no residual leg pain which is probably one of my top ten greatest mercies of God I have experienced. Also, I am happy. Happy sounds to cliche', I guess I'm full of joy. Life is really good. Not just today or lately but as a whole. I look back even a couple of years and thinks how hard everything seemed and never ending. Narnia's endless winter felt real to me. I remember this blog being cathartic and feeling necessary for hope. I was writing to God, to the world that I was just barely hanging on, but yet still keeping faith that God was listening and going to show up in my life. What today's clear head gifted me felt so special. God has been with me all along weaving this perfect tapestry of my life. I'm not angry or sad about any of it. I'm overwhelmed with His complete and perfect grace. I celebrated my youngest sister Grace's baby's first birthday this weekend. It feels like my family has finally come in to a place of comfort. For so much of my childhood and life as an adult I just sensed chaos or an underlying discomfort but now my siblings and my mom all seem to know who they are and I enjoy them. We love each other and each others children. It felt warm and fuzzy like I had always imagined families should feel. I also feel safe in my own skin. A lot of that has to do with the incredible love I get from my husband. He is a soft place to fall and he loves me like I have never been loved and it is awesome. I wonder if I would be in this place of total peace about the entirety of my life if I weren't married to Adam. He has been so integral to my hearts healing that it's hard to imagine but I do believe that God has orchestrated every detail just perfectly. I was thinking about writing this out while coming down the mountain today. I went through a gamut of scenarios on what people might think about this or should I even bother, but I decided that God's gifts to us should be shared. There is so little "magic" it seems that when we experience or understand for even a moment the love of God it should yelled from the rough tops. I want to say that if you are in a place of struggle or trials to hold on, keep faith, believe that He is with you and working ALL things together for the good. Winter is a just a season. A time in which God uses to mold and develop maybe even the best parts of ourselves. I don't regret my first marriage, the amount of time I tried to honor God and my beliefs by staying in it. I wouldn't change the challenges that my family faced or the way my parents raised me. I feel like it all makes perfect sense to where I am today....JOYFUL.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Futility.....Forgetfullness....Not Enough
To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat from it,' "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. Genesis 3:17
Life has definitely revealed it's toil, and I have engaged in futile efforts to prove that I am capable and enough. Capable of what and for what.....love and acceptance. All of which LIFE has no say in. I have been so busy these last few years or maybe even longer, much longer, trying to prove myself worthy. I have forgotten who I am and I had definitely forgotten who Christ is. Life also takes the wind out of your sails. All of the things I expected as a "my right" quickly became evident that nothing is promised to us, nothing is deserved just by being born. All is the same whether you believe or don't believe.
"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:45
My once so solid faith and understanding of the Bible rocked and rattled by life's disappointments, unanswered prayers, tragedy and the incredible pain that comes with loss and hope's destroyed. I have held on to the resurrection and gospel, but most everything else feels confusing. Does God really care about homosexuality as much as we obsess over it? Does He really talk to us? What is the point of prayer, especially the prayers begged from the knees to save marriages that will never get saved and for the baby that will never be born? What are those prayers for? I believe in my heart that the love of Jesus is the only real, valuable thing we can possibly know. I believe in the gospel as the greatest news ever to be heard. I feel that to my bones. If I had no hope of a heaven, a Christ that will redeem or a time when all sin an sadness will be wiped away I would have nothing to hold on too. I just feel as though I am in the in between or maybe better articulated as "luke warm". Who wants to be luke warm? You are neither refreshing, boiling or hot. It feels mostly just stagnant. I miss the younger version of myself. At least the part that was the eternal optimist and didn't see hope as a liability. I have lost the ability to pray. I use to fill journal after journal of prayers and conversations with God, but now it feels like silliness. A made up relationship that consists of only one side. I have had these prayer journals as early as age 11 and the sad reality is I haven't really changed what I have been praying for in all this time. I still face the same giants I faced backed then and I am still defeated by them as often as ever. One conversation with God would be so helpful, just one. What I have resolved through this word vomit of my inner demons is that there is really only one thing I know and one thing to cling too. Jesus does love me, and that makes me worthy and enough. That is really all I have figured out about Him at age 33. Heaven, Hell, sin, and "the chosen" are way beyond my ability to comprehend or understand. I woke up today with the weight of the rat race on my mind and the shame of unworthiness filling my body. I called my husband desperate in my OCD ways to help me figure out "a plan", something to make me feel safe and capable of meeting my goals. What goal? The same one, acceptance and love and security that I wont be hurt, rained on, scorched by the sun. All things that aren't promised to me, aren't available to lasso or store. So today I am choosing to not hold it in or shut down but to believe. I believe I'm enough. Even though I may never be a mother, or a great sister or daughter, a person who loves their job, or makes a difference in the world I am who I am. And I am so thankful at this very moment for the love of Christ, my sweet husband, the incredible friends that have stuck by me and loved me, my kind mom and all the other blessings I have been given.
Life has definitely revealed it's toil, and I have engaged in futile efforts to prove that I am capable and enough. Capable of what and for what.....love and acceptance. All of which LIFE has no say in. I have been so busy these last few years or maybe even longer, much longer, trying to prove myself worthy. I have forgotten who I am and I had definitely forgotten who Christ is. Life also takes the wind out of your sails. All of the things I expected as a "my right" quickly became evident that nothing is promised to us, nothing is deserved just by being born. All is the same whether you believe or don't believe.
"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:45
My once so solid faith and understanding of the Bible rocked and rattled by life's disappointments, unanswered prayers, tragedy and the incredible pain that comes with loss and hope's destroyed. I have held on to the resurrection and gospel, but most everything else feels confusing. Does God really care about homosexuality as much as we obsess over it? Does He really talk to us? What is the point of prayer, especially the prayers begged from the knees to save marriages that will never get saved and for the baby that will never be born? What are those prayers for? I believe in my heart that the love of Jesus is the only real, valuable thing we can possibly know. I believe in the gospel as the greatest news ever to be heard. I feel that to my bones. If I had no hope of a heaven, a Christ that will redeem or a time when all sin an sadness will be wiped away I would have nothing to hold on too. I just feel as though I am in the in between or maybe better articulated as "luke warm". Who wants to be luke warm? You are neither refreshing, boiling or hot. It feels mostly just stagnant. I miss the younger version of myself. At least the part that was the eternal optimist and didn't see hope as a liability. I have lost the ability to pray. I use to fill journal after journal of prayers and conversations with God, but now it feels like silliness. A made up relationship that consists of only one side. I have had these prayer journals as early as age 11 and the sad reality is I haven't really changed what I have been praying for in all this time. I still face the same giants I faced backed then and I am still defeated by them as often as ever. One conversation with God would be so helpful, just one. What I have resolved through this word vomit of my inner demons is that there is really only one thing I know and one thing to cling too. Jesus does love me, and that makes me worthy and enough. That is really all I have figured out about Him at age 33. Heaven, Hell, sin, and "the chosen" are way beyond my ability to comprehend or understand. I woke up today with the weight of the rat race on my mind and the shame of unworthiness filling my body. I called my husband desperate in my OCD ways to help me figure out "a plan", something to make me feel safe and capable of meeting my goals. What goal? The same one, acceptance and love and security that I wont be hurt, rained on, scorched by the sun. All things that aren't promised to me, aren't available to lasso or store. So today I am choosing to not hold it in or shut down but to believe. I believe I'm enough. Even though I may never be a mother, or a great sister or daughter, a person who loves their job, or makes a difference in the world I am who I am. And I am so thankful at this very moment for the love of Christ, my sweet husband, the incredible friends that have stuck by me and loved me, my kind mom and all the other blessings I have been given.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Thirty three and smiling!
Today is my hubby's birthday. Thirty three and loving life. We spent the evening at Del frisco's eating yummy food and drinking good wine. One of the things we like to do or should I say I like to do is to make "lists". It suits my OCD well and we have fun doing it. "What are your ten favorite things about me?" "List five things you want to accomplish in the next five years. "Name the ten things you are most afraid of." and each date consists of a new list. Well tonight was the ten things I am most proud of in my birthday boy. There are so many and yet I loved watching his eyes light up as I went through every one explaining all there is to respect and revere about him. I won't bore you with the details but to us it is a blast.
Thirties are a good decade. I am really loving them. When we left the restaurant we headed to the cigar shop to pick a birthday smoke. My favorite thing about us right now is that we just really love being together. We don't have any kids yet and I really treasure these times. I am sure that the magic is unbelievable when two people come together to create another human being but for now I'm so giddy with just us. We turn the music up and sing at the top of our lungs. We smoke cigars and drink on our back patio. Tonight my husband showed me his DJ mixes and we bumped in the car acting as though we were teenagers all over again. I will say this, being a teenager when you are thirty is much richer than being a teenager in real time. So cheers! Cheers to 33 and marriage, cheers to good men, and the simple things that make life rich. Cheers to a love from heaven that coats everything and makes it warm and fuzzy and good and gooey inside. Cheers to my husband, the best man I know and the sparkle in my eye and the laughter from my belly!
Thirties are a good decade. I am really loving them. When we left the restaurant we headed to the cigar shop to pick a birthday smoke. My favorite thing about us right now is that we just really love being together. We don't have any kids yet and I really treasure these times. I am sure that the magic is unbelievable when two people come together to create another human being but for now I'm so giddy with just us. We turn the music up and sing at the top of our lungs. We smoke cigars and drink on our back patio. Tonight my husband showed me his DJ mixes and we bumped in the car acting as though we were teenagers all over again. I will say this, being a teenager when you are thirty is much richer than being a teenager in real time. So cheers! Cheers to 33 and marriage, cheers to good men, and the simple things that make life rich. Cheers to a love from heaven that coats everything and makes it warm and fuzzy and good and gooey inside. Cheers to my husband, the best man I know and the sparkle in my eye and the laughter from my belly!
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