Sometimes I wonder if there is a point in which you just can't go "there" again. You can want to, even try to will it, but it's just unavailable. I always knew that if I got married it would be forever and now I think I knew myself better than I even realized. I know now, more than ever, that I gave everything I had; "had" being the opportune word.  I don't have the room for error and failure that comes with a healthy sense of self and is needed to be in a relationship. It's strange because this lack of tolerance exist in no other area of my life. I have resilience and fight left in me to struggle, but with matters of my heart  I am completely worthless. My heart shuts down like a reflex and I have no control over it. I'm not necessarily sure when my brain created this survival technique but how does one overcome a reflex? i can here the naysayers, shaking their heads in disapprovement and to them i would have nothing to say. How can you explain to someone else the very pain you avoid at all cost. It reminds me of  the movie cast away. How can Tom Hanks rejoin a life when no one can possibly fathom what he has overcome and how it has forever changed him? He is stuck in between the two worlds, and neither can really be home. C.S. lewis described it in , "A grief observed" as a thin film between himself and everyone else. I can talk to you about the shit that i have endured but how can any of us possibly begin to understand how another's heart has weathered the storm. I wonder what Jesus thinks of it all? Is this how he can tolerate our wickedness, our adultery and  pride. Is he able to see through the bullshit of our weakness and join us in the abyss of our fear, or does He expect in our faith to overcome? I lean towards Him having the expectation of faith.