Survival creates within us an ability to endure far past what we thought ourselves capable. It blinds our minds and emotions so that one foot can be placed in front of the other  so insanity doesn't ensue. It's after the dust settles and during a time of peace that the beasts that have been so quiet within, awaken.

Complete Candor.....what am I wanting to risk, and why? Potentially I want wholeness and for my heart's thoughts and words to maybe....just maybe.... reach someone else. So here it is...

I felt hatred today. Stone cold hatred. This is super unusual for me because I have like a fifteen second rebound rate. My childhood developed within me an ability to believe and hope against all circumstance and trauma for the "just around the corner" break I knew had to come. If I didn't believe then I would have crumbled under the sorrow.  So I endure. I endure because I have taught myself too hope even in the hopeless. I built an entire identity on this and became the friend, the girlfriend, the wife that hoped against all logic for the good of man to prevail. It even felt super Christian like and gave me a sense of uniqueness I so desperately craved. It wasn't until my failed marriage that I realized that it was just a fancy way of being a codependent and I really had no idea how to love someone rightly. Unfortunately, this realization came after my heart had suffered an incredible amount of disappointment and loss. The anger and the hatred isn't about my past it's about my future, I feel robbed of the ability to trust. I want to blame someone, or something. I want someone to value what I suffered, but I feel that it might have been for no one's benefit. Not even my own. It's just the combination of a bunch of fucked up people doing what they have learned and been taught to do to survive. I want to hate my dad for not fighting harder for me as his daughter, but instead I think about what he must feel and the hurt he has had to swallow. I want to hate the man that swore to love me for forever but instead shattered my heart with his fist and his pride, but instead I ache for his own lack of example and the loneliness he has known since childhood. Who assumes responsibility for all of this? Is it God? Is He to blame? Is it Satan, the evilness of man? Is it just the wages of sin? Maybe a combination, I'm not sure, but the dust has settled and I feel the raging within. Who will fight my heart? Who will fight for me?