What does it mean to imagine and meditate on hope?

The other day I was on my way to work, five days late, and thinking about the possibility of being a mother. I immediately felt a worry creeping into my spirit. I wanted to go buy a prayer journal that second and start my battle for their hearts and life. How would I be able to share with them this moment? How would I convince them that I loved them before I even met them and that I knew in that moment I would do anything and everything I could to make their life the best it could be. I felt myself overwhelmed with joy and tears just ran down my face. I had spent that morning praying and prostrate before the Lord for and hour. Little did I know God was just preparing my heart for the disappointment that followed. No baby this month. I was almost expecting it. Hope has become a four letter word and as much as I have been aware of my fear I have done nothing to address it. God is gentle and has a plan.

I went to a women's Bible study today. Talk about anxiety. I don't know what it is about large groups of Christian women, but  they terrify me. A bible study was a new year's resolution and since we are almost in October I figured I should probably try and address it. I sat with 3 super models, no really, super models and felt my insecurities and self doubt creeping in. I resolved to closing my eyes and trying to focus on the worship and not myself and my fears. I felt myself judging everything and anything I could and when I wasn't judging I was feeling judged. I felt the spiritual battle going on within and around me, robbing me of these new friends, this time of worship, and study of the Word. I finally just told myself to surrender to the moment and embrace what God had given me. I felt a crack in my heart open and warmth seep into a place I hadn't even know had turned dark. I want back what was stolen from me through heart brake, betrayal, sin, disappointment and years of hurt. I don't want to choose fear anymore. I don't want to self protect, I want to love. I want to give love and receive it without judgement or expectation. I want to be the mother, wife and friend that hopes without borders, encourages relentlessly because of the promise we have in our God. I was abused, I was cheated on, I was hurt....really hurt, but I am free. I might be hurt again. Correction, I will be hurt again, but I am made new through it all. This is the good news. This is the hope we have in Christ. This is what I hold  to in my marrow. This is the richness that I will get to instill in my child. I will be able to tell her or him that there is hope that is greater than any pain or battle you will face. Life is hard and things hurt deep within our being but we have an endless love that we can pull from despite our failures and our pain. We can dare to be brave and imagine our dreams as a reality no matter the outcome, because the love that upholds us is bottomless.