"My God will meet all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

PERSPECTIVE.........

Daily I read the devotional "Streams in The Desert" and I am often amazed at how it can reach in to me every single time as though the Lord had written my life's struggle for each daily encouragement. If I were to speak freely and honestly it's difficult for me to hold on to the truth in Philippians 4:19. I find myself ravenous for MORE; more love, more excitement, more purpose and even more of Him. I feel like He is too far away and He has left me behind only with love letters to remind me of who He is, but they are a poor substitution for the real longing I have to be home with Him. My mind repeats mantra's of His promises in hopes that I will gain perspective and return to the faith that I know is really my only hope. I know better. I know truth and I know Him and yet my heart longs desperately and deeply for more. I want Him to rescue me, again. Emanuel, be with me, be closer than near. I know that it's in the midst of struggle and suffering that we are able to fully appreciate the tenderness and love that Christ alone gives. Today is one of those days.....I'm clinging with fingertips to what I know to be truer than my feelings, His word.
"Therefore humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, STEADFAST in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, established, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11.
The lord is establishing and strengthening me. I hope to feel more settled in my mind and heart with the renewed knowledge that He CARES for me. I wish that I could believe once and for all, but instead it's a battle. There is so much to fight against and to remember. Ironically the battle looks much more like a surrender than a war. In my need, in my want I have to reach out and lay it down. I close my eyes to the circumstances that are before me and instead I remember who He is and who He says I am and if I am willing He will provide me with the faith I need for today.

"What a source---"God"! What a supply----"his glorious riches"! What a channel---"Christ Jesus"! It is your heavenly priviledge to trust "all your needs" to "his glorious riches," and to forget "your needs" in the presence of " his....riches." In His great love, He has thrown open to you His exhaustive treasury. Go in and draw upon HIm in simple childlike faith, and you will never again have the need to rely on anything else. C. H. M. -streams in the desert.

Romans 8:26 'We do not know what we ought to pray for.

         I prayed for strength, and then I lost awhile all sense of nearness, human and divine; The love I leaned on failed and pierced my heart, the hands I clung to loosed themselves from mine; but while I swayed weak, trembling, and alone, the everlasting arms upheld my own.
         I prayed for light; the sun went down in clouds, the moon was darkened by a misty doubt, the stars of heaven were dimmed by earthly fears, and all my little candle flames burned out; but while I sat in shadow; wrapped in night, the face of Christ made all the darkness bright.
         I prayed for peace, and dreamed of restful ease, a slumber free from pain, a hushed repose; above my head the skies were black with storm, and fiercer grew the onslaught of my foes; but while the battle raged, and wild winds blew, I heard His voice and perfect peace I knew.
         I thank you, Lord, You were too wise to heed my feeble prayers,and answer as I sought, since these rich gifts Your bounty has bestowed have brought me more than all I asked or thought; giver of good, so answer each request with Your own giving, better than my best.          -Annie Johnson Flint

I am convinced that I will never understand, this side of heaven, how we ought to pray or the importance of it to our faith. The "lord's Prayer" hardly seems like an adequate model for us to live by when we are to pray without ceasing and our prayers are the very incense before God's throne. Do not misunderstand, I love prayer. I love that we get to talk with The Great I am, the King of Kings without fear or reservation. I love that we can offer prayer to others as hope, during hopelessness, and that it really carries its weight. I love that prayer has many dimensions and can change our hearts as we are lamenting for someone else's. I just want to know more about it, and have a greater understanding of what the Lord intended in its design.   It seems that often, if not always, prayer is the predecessor to all the miracles done by the disciples in the new testament. Oh what I would give to converse with just one of them, preferably Peter, because there are so many other things I would like to ask him. I want to get what he finally understood, that changed him from being denying Peter to Peter who hung upside down on the cross. Also, I relate to Peter. I seem to be an instrument of satan more often than I would like to admit. I fall short and I'm quick to speak, slow to listen and impulsive in my behavior. People, might have said the same things of us. I love the Lord so much and yet I often make Him look the fool for choosing me. It breaks my heart. Prayer is such a relief, a gift for me, because God understands my weakness and my heart. I feel like I can get on my knees before Him and love someone rightly, wholly, when I have failed to love them again and again in real life to my everlasting shame. I want more of this and less of selfish, weak, inconsistent Theresa. I want to grow in my prayer life and be more effective in my love for others. This is my prayer.

A day of yes, confession and great laughter!

If you tell me Christian commitment is a kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say go to, go to, you're either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your bed and ask yourself: "Can I believe it all again today?" No, better still, don't ask it till after you've read The New York Times, till after you've studied that daily record of the world's brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer's always Yes, then you probably don't know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you're human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that's choked with confession and tears and. . . great laughter.” 

― Frederick Buechner

I met with an old friend today and amidst our conversation I was flooded with the reality of God's unconditional mercy and grace towards His creation. The journey of sanctification never ceases to remind me of how much has been sacrificed for the church as a whole and me as an individual. There are so many different things upon this earth that far exceed my understanding and even my imagination that I struggle deep within on God's purpose in it all; psychosis specifically and tragedy and sickness more broadly. I approach it with Him as a child would their father and questions flow between us. Mine are more of the "why" and "how" genre and His are more of the "who" nature. I refer to God's conversation with Job in Job 9:14-15, "How then can I answer Him, and choose my words to reason with Him? For though I were righteous, I could not answer Him; I would beg mercy of my Judge." Then in Job 38 when God responds to Job, "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements? Surely you know!" I love God's sense of humor in this verse because He is light heartedly making Job aware of the magnitude of difference between their positions and yet answering in love nonetheless. I realize the better question to ask is what is my role in all of this suffering  and how can I serve and love most effectively according to His purpose and will.  

How then Lord can I help my friend struggling with the things of the mind.. sanity, reality verses delusions, chaos and confusion? Most of theses things are far above my created nature to understand or even process and yet I know that you are the one who puts wisdom in the mind and gives understanding to the heart (job 38:36-37) I listened to my friend recount her story and I was reminded of C.S. Lewis' book "The Boy and His Horse." Toward the end of the story Aslan is talking with the boy and He says that he only discusses  each person's journey (sanctification) with them and that we must ask the other if we want to know about their personal experience of the situation.  I loved this idea because it just supports our need for one another as a body and that each of us gain a different understanding of God's character and holiness through our own personal experience. I am often guilty of putting God in a small box that I think I can explain and control, but today I realized He is far beyond what I could dream. He is the only one who has an understanding of reality and it is only through the blood of Christ that I am privy to that reality and spared from insanity. I have had many mentally ill patient's as a nurse and being of sane mind is something to truly value and be thankful for. So, although I have no greater understanding of the why's and how's I am a little closer to the who. "fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom". There is nothing more terrifying than the realization of how holy He is and how unworthy we are, and nothing more relieving of those fears then the understanding of who He is and what He has sacrificed.